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(1 time | kiss me)

[12 Aug 2009|11:41am]
this canada trip was really the eye opener i needed. i've somehow sorted out a means of confidence in who i am that i either haven't had in a long time or haven't ever had. it was intersting how all the weeks gone i danced around beaches and lakes, roamed road to road and never once felt ashamed or insecure.but apon my first day back i foolishly went down to the beach at main street. just walking there i felt watched, a gross middle school kind of feeling like everyone is judgeing you and looking at you. my first few steps on the sand we were greated with bro-boys gawlking at my friends, takeing hidden pictures with cell phone cameras and makeing comments like "yum" or "hey baby" i couldnt even get myself to go swimming in my bathingsuit, it was like this moment of frozen time, were all the weeks prior didnt matter that i had ran free in my suit. it all erased with the social pressure to look perfect in this town. so i stupidly (which led me only to more ridiculal) touched the water in my tights and suit. Huntington Beach is my Catch 22.

it pissed me off SO MUCH, because litterally days before i had thought to myself "i'm so glad im not dressing for anyone, or trying to be someone im not, i'm for the first time in a long time finding myself, i'm finally ok with my style, with how i look in photos, and how i carrie myself, of course there are place to improve but in an all i'm happy withmyself!" THEN I GO AN FREEZZE in HB and crawl back in my shell.

i love the intermingleing of the places i went these last few weeks.
Here the old sit with the old. the hip with the hip.. the nerds with the nerds. excetra its BULLSHIT. in Victoria i went with friends to an electronic festival and at one fest i spoke and shared experiences with an older couple, dirty hippis, young metal kids, all of em! sharing a fun time talkin with eachother! never ever would they imagine ridiculing the other for who they are, we're all here to share a little bit of our own expression.. and not at anyone elses expence! BLAH

well days past since my first day back on main street. and to make up to myself for acting so foolishly. haha i held back from shaving my legs for quite a number of days.. then yesterday a group of my wonderful friends an i went to swimm. i ran around in that bathing suit hairry as the doggies at the dog beach. rollin in the sand havin a grand ol' time.

SO HA!

(1 time | kiss me)

[23 Jul 2009|12:13am]
i am starting an organic farm with a few friends of mine in costa mesa, we worked our sweaty heart out the other day. so fun, so much more work to go! so worth it.

tomorrow morning:

CANADA

(2 times | kiss me)

[18 Jul 2009|01:50am]
i need to either have a nest to build or i'll fly away.

instead it seems ive gathered little piles of sticks and strings in every town i've lived.

this pile here isnt very high.

(1 time | kiss me)

[10 Jul 2009|12:15pm]
i got the best complement from a semi stranger today:

person:do you like unicorns?
me: yes
person:I thought so . you totally remind me of unicorns when I see you
me:haha why thank you, it must be the horn on my forhead
person:no. I'd say it's your overall joyfulness and flowing mane


hahahha wonderful

i have to write this statement in order for it to be official to myself, i keep putting it off:

I AM NO LONGER EATING MEAT AND AM CUTTING DOWN ON ALL CORN SYRUP CONSUMPTION.
I AM IN THE WORST SHAPE OF MY LIFE AND ITS TIME TO FUCKING CHANGE THAT!
SWIM SWIM SWIM LIFT WEIGHTS LIFT WEIGHTS WALK WALK WALK

...an hopefully hike.

(1 time | kiss me)

[06 Jul 2009|09:28am]
holy shiit i ran into "him" for the first time and i didnt attack, how foolish of me. you always invision that moment that its gonna happen in a diff. way, in a way that leads some hero fantasy.. when really it comes down to it we are all coward lions looking for our Oz. so im left with "oh well next time ill get him!"

regardless. it happily and surpiseinly didnt ruin my day at all! i was surounded by all my best friends and having a grand ol time into the wee hours of morning.

today vegas, tomorrow who knows!

i feel funny with a shaved head. don worrie all who hasnt seen me yet. its not all shaved. but it is shaved in parts haha.

I wish to relive an era that is dead and gone.

<3

(6 times | kiss me)

[24 Jun 2009|04:39pm]
i'm excited about the new harry potter.

today i hid from the world. i didnt really like it. i slept till noon then watched a movie and slept some more. in my naptime dreams i called people who responded in ways my mind already worries about. when i woke up i thought it had really happened so had to check my dialed calls to make sure i really didn't. checked, phew, the phone calls never happened, then i'd layed in thought about how they probably will happen. i think i'm still my own greatest enemy. until i get over that i wont be able to do anything.

we put Cashew to sleep today. my kitty of 18 yrs.

tomorrow im house sitting downtown. should be good to be closer to the beach and out of this house for a few days. i had errands to do today but instead i wallowed in self pitty. yuk. tomorrow will be different. i have work and goals ive set.

(3 times | kiss me)

[20 Jun 2009|12:11pm]
you gypsy woman you gypsy woman take my soul in the direction it seeks. make my unrest lay silent for a moment. closes my mind off to all whispers of negative aggression i feel inside.

i watched a doc. on what we as a country do with our corn. we fill our body with such crap.. just to save a few bucks. oh how i wish i could live off the radar. buy some land, grow my food, make my wine. get to bed by 10pm- up at 5am. sing songs around the campfire, gaze at stars.

I live with such push and pull in my stomach. i ache for freedom, but then i ache for regularity, i have a strong ache of dedication to my nefews, Veda, My friends. i dont want them to grow old without me. i want to see them change and flourish.. i want to be apart of thier lives. which is why i keep coming back to this place. but i feel like stunted growth. ive never flourished my own, i havnt allowed myself the experiences i feel roaming around in my gut.

i'm not a party girl i dont like being awake past 1am those days are over, but i want to feel alive in a new way. in the day that is full of adventure. in a way that i feel closer to the Goddess. i want to sun to be apart of me. the water that consists in our human body to reconize with the water that flows this earth. i want my connection with the moon to be as stong as it was when i was a child.

instead i go for walks in these concrete jungles and feel sick.

(kiss me)

[23 May 2009|06:04pm]
i kind of shut down today.

(kiss me)

[17 May 2009|09:58am]
i had an awakening yesterday. ill write about it soon, when my hearts not so blurry of what happened.

(1 time | kiss me)

[15 May 2009|11:50pm]
i enjoy when people ignore my existance.



syke.

(4 times | kiss me)

[08 May 2009|08:52am]
no luck, no no luck, the black angels chill my mood. my rotation of daily activities excites me! yet money is always a Thhannnggg. june 19 middle school goes on summer break. june 15th Orange lounge exists no more! Which works me down to Thursdays and Sunday of employment only! i need and want a summer job! i want to extinguish all Retail establishments first, burn them to the ground.
I am well over due for a visit to Tucson.

i look forward to sunny days and swims in the pacific. i'm already adorned with bracelet tan lines, a shameful yet silly t-shirt tan-line, and a more adorable watch-band of whiteness!

going to bars mid-day with aaron is fun, i need to work in my pool stills 1000-fold

today work, shopping with kendal, and later to Otis art show i go.

i wish resin wasn’t so expensive; i want to make something with it.

(kiss me)

[01 May 2009|07:46pm]
fuckfuckffuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, fuck fuck fuck.

(1 time | kiss me)

[28 Apr 2009|05:45pm]
how do debt collectors live with themselves? when they get off work and go back to there normal lives.. how do they leave it behind em? eek, not the type of work i would ever be able to handle that's for sure.

(3 times | kiss me)

[28 Apr 2009|01:56pm]
I still completly trip on how my ideals have altered. i used to day dream about the fast track of things and wish to wander this earth forever. it was my goal! Now when i close my eyes to dream i have a modest house with a yard and a chicken coop. I have a place to set up an alter, i work just enough to be stable, and i take mini vacations just long enough so that i dont miss home too much. I have a garden and a sage brush to care for. I live alone and meet with friends only occasionally for coffee and sunshine. That is what i wish wish wish to be my future! swoon.

i dislike not having next semester worked out yet. ill either be at a new school far from here, or getting a few more classes together at golden west to transfer to cypress for a program they have. either way it all will be decided in the next few weeks. this morning i had a meeting with my english teacher to review all essays thus far. B+! woohoo. I just talked to an old friend of mine and she's havin a baby with a fellow in London.. so rad. i cant wait to meet the little one someday.

off to craft shop my next creation and buy a spot at the swapmeet!

wwoohoo?

(2 times | kiss me)

[26 Apr 2009|09:46am]
workworkwork work everry dayy work work worrkk

(1 time | kiss me)

[23 Apr 2009|09:31am]
i have a very important email coming soon so i keep hitting refresh on my gmail account. GAHH! other than that this is the 2nd time ive gone to class and my teacher's canceled it. SO ANNOYING. it costs me 4 bucks to get there and back for no class. rarr.
PJ harvy added a los angeles date and Tom Brosseau is opening.. do i sence some backstage passes coming my way? *crosses fingers* goddd that would be amazing
work is my happy place, other than that im still on my hermit kick. I'm in the mits of making some sweet dyed green capri pants! which is fitting with the sunny heat we've been having. but jeez RIT is much more messy than i expected!

alot of little things have been inspiring me lately. things like
lady bugs and sand.
crows landing infont of me all the time.
the sun.
spending an evening in the park with friends.
flowers.

you know the usual.

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(1 time | kiss me)

[17 Apr 2009|08:04am]
i'm kinda worried about this weekend! none the less i leave in about 10 min for berkeley to run myself wild with the resumes. I'm trying not to put too much pressure on anything that happens because regardless i have a roof over my head and 2 jobs here. but it sure would be a nnniiicceeee. hell im just looking forward to drivin up the coast and seeing the stars in the sky tonight!

(kiss me)

[09 Apr 2009|11:54am]
options option options. the never ending game of choices. soul searching is faux, it's just chooooseing (and the time between it).

(kiss me)

[04 Apr 2009|02:10am]
i havnt yet awarded myself for becoming panic-attack free. i hadnt because i had forgotten what they were like. moments ago the feeling arose... but because it's been so long and it felt so strange i was able to stop it before it fully started. im glad it happened because it instantly flashed back a feeling i used to have 3 or 4 times a day living in echo park leading the life i had. liveing at someone elses whim really took a toll. Now i can acknowledge my current strength and growth. i will never let my mind control my physical body so much. or another person control my mind and physical body...so much.
the only way to describe the feeling is a squeezing of everything in your chest. then the heart starts pounding so hard it seems like it'll burst out to meet you. then skipping of breaths. and a filter over your eyes that keep you from dizzyness but still prevents you from seeing straight. none of this is a positive feeling. it's a million minnie explosions going on inside. ugh.. gross how one person can trigger somthing so vile. nnneevverrrrrr again.

currently: i had a wonderful time with friends. and have a even more wonderful day planned tomorrow!

so take that old life!

(kiss me)

[02 Apr 2009|12:39pm]
it's the same thing I've said a million times but these kids humble my heart so much! I love witnessing the friendships at there age. how they protect each other and watch each others back, it seems the older we get the more we loose that and start only protecting ourselves. we become bitter due to the circumstances of life. forgetting the whole “protect thy neighbor”. Of course there are alot of bullies but even then the kids can brush the shit off, unlike now as adults we seek revenge through violence and lawsuits.

bullies never go away at any age. be it your boss, your boyfriend, your family..
even the troubled kids most of them just want your attention and are rebelling because they are missing some type of guidance in there life

one of my favorite students the other day had an accident with another kid while playing baseball. he took a metal bat to the head. it was an accident and the kid who swung the bat was his best friend. I was scared for awhile but i think he's alright now.. just some buises and a concusion. but the point is the best friend couldnt stop crying. kept going to the office during class to check on him. kept asking if he was alright. nothing else mattered to him other than his friends well being.It was the sweetest thing i've ever seen. he felt as much pain as the bruised kid did. it broke my heart but gave me hope.

I think with my nihilistic ways i need these kids to see glimpses like this. that there is good in the world.

last night i was brought into a group of adults there acted the same way with eachother. totally and utterly cared about eachothers well being. no ego, no awkwardness, no shit talking, none of that! again rare to me within the walls ive built around me. it too was good to see, i felt totally at ease.. something i find trouble mustering inside. other thank dumping my phone in the toilet it was a wonderful night!

today i try to assemble my things for a future swapmeet date, finish some over the break homework and hopefully get to see ian at some point.

i dedicate today and this current feeling for leaving me in a mood to reminisce the images of Kensington Garden written by JM Barrie illustrated by Arthur Rackam:
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a mid summer nights dream:
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